Yet Still Pressing Forward
A season of deep disillusionment with writing has kept me from approaching my computer with an intent to put my thoughts and feelings to words on the screen.
Disillusionment seemed to be the word that fit the inner struggle that has been happening before I even fully knew what that word meant. So, I looked it up.
My conclusion, what I thought writing to be, what I saw others doing with their writing and blogs, pushed me to lose sight of why I was doing what I was doing and what direction I was going with it.
I began giving this more thought in the past few days and weeks to try and pin point exactly where this was coming from and where I wanted to go, moving forward in the same or different direction.
Much of this feeling of unease and of being unsettled came from an annoyance of other bloggers. I let others and their blogs become my focus rather than pour into what I felt God was leading me to do. I would see their posts...which did multiple things that frustrated me: bible abuse to get an emotional reaction, writing the same sort of thing over and over (i.e. your typical 'I see you' 'I hear you' Cliche motivational type posts) and I became annoyed with the surface attitude and the dig and forcing of an emotional response.
I get it.
Rather than look to God and stay focused on him and his guiding, I looked around me and became fed up with all that was there, or not there.
All of this led to me feeling lost in my own direction of my blog. I didn't want to become a surface, emotional writer. I wanted my writing to hold more to it, to mean something more eternal, more lasting, less temporary as emotional responses are.
But I didn't know what that was.
I don't know what that is.
I feel I'm getting closer.
I just had to use this time to remind myself of why I write.
I write because when I do, when I sit down and begin to type, when I allow God to use my words, I rarely feel as close and connected to him as I do in those moments. With my computer open and my bible pages spread next to me I feel as if I am doing exactly what he is guiding me to do. I write because I have to. I write because this introverted self needs solitude and internal reflection to get all that runs through my head out before me so I can see it, process it, correct it, use it, grow from it.
That is the focus I need to hold on to. This isn't for anyone else. They may benefit from it, or not. But this ultimately is for me as I follow God in this.
And with that, the clouds break, the disillusionment begins to dissipate, the sun warms my face, I feel in the right place at the right time once again. Constant reminder.